If you've been following my journals, then you know that I've been through a lot over the past couple of years. I got engaged, got pregnant, lost my job, got married, had my son early, almost lost my and my son's lives, got phlebotomy certified, fought for a relationship most sane people would've given up on long before I did, and eventually finally left T. I've suffered some serious depression, post-partum depression and post traumatic stress disorder... what made me finally decide to leave was honestly the last thing I ever thought I would leave for... I should have left 2 weeks prior.
The night before I left, I had sent T to the store for formula... He decided that it was more important for him to stop in the sex store than to bring formula directly home to his hungry son... THAT was my breaking point...
Two weeks prior, however, was when I should have really left. I should have been done that very instant. I had such a stressful day that I finally looked to a good friend of mine and said "I want to...". That night I dabbled in something I really never had any interest to try before, but oh I enjoyed it this night! Well... for the most part. I had the uncontrollable urge to nod my head and I just could not stop dancing to the music in my head. lol It was fun! I handled it much better than any of us thought that I would, too, considering I have asthma.
Anyways, my friend got me comfortable, fed and ALMOST to sleep before she decided to leave. Within seconds I was drooling on my pillow, I was so comfortable and relaxed. Unfortunately this wouldn't be a good memory for long... as "someone" had decided, in their sober state, it would be a good idea to take advantage of me. See... not only had I dabbled in something I'd NEVER done before, I had also started new anxiety medications that morning and had more than I should have to drink whilst the night carried on. I was under several influences and definitely outside of my ability to think for myself. I woke up just as "someone" was "finishing" inside of me... I had no choice in the matter. I literally woke up to someone enjoying themselves and finishing inside of me.
What makes this situation hurt the most... is this person was and is very much aware of my history of sexual abuse... While I may have some off-the-wall fantasies, that would require EXTREME levels of trust (levels I never reached with them), now was not the time to go trying to exercise those fantasies... Not in the LEAST. I was not only asleep, I was under 4 separate influences- each of which heightened my body's response to the other all the more. I didn't move, moan, speak, etc. when he pushed himself on top of me. He literally had to shove my legs apart to get in between them... and then couldn't understand why I fumbled my way into the shower a short while after he had finished.... It's even more upsetting that he KNEW/KNOWS I don't want anymore kids, but sure let's just cum all up inside of me outside of my own free will. This person was also my husband.... I've dealt with several people who believe there's no such thing as rape in a marriage, however, they're all stupid. I should be able to trust my spouse with my LIFE... I should be able to trust that I won't be hurt or abused in such a vulnerable or incapacitated state... yet I was. "I'll NEVER do that to you! You deserve so much more! I can't believe he'd ever do that to you! I promise you I'm not like that! I could never hurt you like that!" ...... so much for that, hm?
Who's to say what the future holds.... but I really hope that this is my last encounter with sexual violence/abuse. It sure has taken its tole on my mind, body and soul.
Listening to: Television
Reading: Hide Away
Watching: Great Fairy Rescue
Playing: Words With Friends
Eating: Good Thins